Документ взят из кэша поисковой машины. Адрес оригинального документа : http://crydee.sai.msu.ru/ftproot/pub/misc/doc/humor/microsoft/win95.parody Дата изменения: Tue May 30 19:51:32 1995 Дата индексирования: Mon Dec 24 10:55:13 2007 Кодировка:

Subject: Win 95 humour...
Date: 19 Nov 1994 23:24:32 GMT


Hello everyone! Now for some humour about Windows 95 (posted on a local
BBS, quoted without permission from InfoWorld):

"Sulu, set path to the floppy drive. Scotty, fit the hard drive with the
Microsoft Windows 95 engine. Chekov, prepare the install disks, we're about to
begin a sequel."

"Captain, Windows 95 doesn't do SQL."

"Right. Then let's see how she performs at task speed. Scotty?"

"Captain, are you sur-r-re you want to r-r-replace the system? If ye put
Windows code into a true 32-bit multitasking environment, we'll risk a
matter-antimatter explosion!"

"Scotty, that's an order."

"Aye, Captain, but she's just not ready. She needs a proper beta shakedown."

"That's what we're doing, Scotty. Chekov, how are those install disks coming?"

"We're on disk 5, sir."

"Good. Spock?"

"Fascinating, Captain. It appears as if Windows 95 is scanning our hardware and
mutating to adapt."

"Then, Spock, can you tell me why it is saying it can't use the Microsoft sound
card, which works fine as configured under Windows 3.1?"

"Unknown, Captain."

"Will it use a ProAudio Spectrum?"

"Unknown, Captain."

"How about a Sound Blaster?"

"Unknown, Captain."

"What good are you, anyway?"

"Box-office attraction, Captain."

"Bones?"

"I'm a doctor, not a hardware technician."

"Spock, cancel the Microsoft sound card and install the ProAudio Spectrum.
Chekov, finish the software installation. Sulu, reboot the system when it's
ready and prepare to go to task speed on my signal."

"Aye, aye, Captain."

"Chekov?"

"We've just entered the desktop zone, Captain."

"Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the engines'll
burn up fer sur-r-re."

"Scotty, we haven't even started yet."

"Sorry, Captain, I just haven't had a line in so long..."

"Sulu, go to task 1. Bring up the README.TXT in the Notepad."

"Aye, Captain."

"Wait a minute. Cancel that order. Plot a shortcut to the README.TXT in the
desktop zone. We'll be navigating back there frequently."

"Yes, sir."

"Spock?"

"It seems as if we have a hardware conflict, sir. The ProAudio Spectrum 16
isn't responding, either in sound or SCSI."

"Disable the card, Spock."

"I'm sorry, sir. It won't disable the SCSI without stopping the sound card
first. And it won't disable the sound card without disabling the SCSI first."

"Captain, an enemy ship is approaching at 12 o'clock."

"[Looks at watch.] Good, that gives us a little more time to debug these
systems."

"No, sir. The ship is already upon us."

"Uhura?"

"Scanning all frequencies, sir. I'm trying to get an image, sir, but the system
is awfully slow."

"Scotty, what's happening down there..."
"Quick, Sulu, bring up the README.TXT file."

"Captain -- it's gone. Some other task in the system must have moved or changed
it."

"Long-range scan, Chekov."

"I found it, Captain. Wait a minute. This README.TXT file is for the game Lands
of Lore, with Patrick Stewart doing the voice of King Richard."

"Patrick Stewart?"

"You've never heard of Patrick Stewart?"

"No.

[Boom as the enemy hits ship with photon torpedo, then large zapping sound,
then either ship moves back and forth, or people sway left and right, depending
on perspective. Sparks fly from console, fires glare, indicating what would
normally be ir-r-reparable damage, yet will be fixed in just minutes.]

"Sulu, take evasive action; otherwise it's certain doom!"

"Aye, aye, Captain. It certainly is Doom and I don't mind saying I'm getting
awfully sick of this demo. Doom is one of the most stable games on the market
and it runs under OS/2 with no problems whatsoever."

"We've got...to get...to the kernel. Uhura...notify...the...kernel at Star
Fleet."

"Captain, I think either communications is breaking up, or you're dropping into
melodramatic Shakespearean stammer mode again."

"Spock?"

"Fascinating, Captain. It would seem that the needs of the few have outweighed
the needs of the many."

"Scotty, get us out of here!"

"Sorry, Captain, the engine is no longer responding! We'll have to do a hard
boot to r-r-recover."

"Bones?"