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VOLUME 39
ISSUE 02
22 JANUARY
2003 Search
Front Page News
ARECIBO, PR­Paulo Freire, 32, a Portuguese radio
astronomer working at the Arecibo Observatory, has
earned the pity of friends and acquaintances for his tragic
reluctance to embrace the unverifiable, sources reported
Monday.
"I honestly feel sorry for the guy," said George W. Bush,
the President of the United States, who recovered from drug
abuse and alcoholism by Divine intervention. "To live in
this world not believing in a higher power, doubting that
Christ died for our sins­that's such a sad, cynical way to
live. I don't know how he gets through his day."
Neighbour Walter Mercado, a trans­sexual Puerto­Rican
psychic and tarot­card reader, similarly extended his
compassion for Freire.
"Paulo is a really great guy," Mercado said. "It's just too bad
he's chosen to cut himself off from the world of the Newsletters

he's chosen to cut himself off from the world of the
paranormal, restricting himself to the limited universe of
what can be seen and heard and verified through empirical
evidence."
Also feeling pity for Freire is channeler Nancy Lieder,
who is in mental contact with the aliens from the planet
orbiting Zeta Reticuli and routinely predicts the end of
the World throught the agency of a tenth planet of the
solar system that will come too close to Earth in May 2003.
"Don't get me
wrong­logic and
reason have their
place," Lieder
said. "But Paulo
fails to
recognize the
danger of going
too far with
medical
common sense
to the exclusion
of alternative
New Age
remedies like
chakra cleansing
and energy­field
realignment."
Lieder said she has tried repeatedly to pull Freire back from
the precipice of lucidity.
Above: The tragically skeptical Freire.
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"I admit, science might be great for curing diseases,
exploring space, cataloguing the natural phenomena of
our world, saving endangered species, extending the
human lifespan, and enriching the quality of that life,"
Lieder said. "But at the end of the day, science has nothing
to tell us about the human soul, and that's a critical thing
Paulo is missing. I would hate for his soul to be lost
forever because of a stubborn doubt over the actual
existence and nature of that soul."
Ellen Greve, better known as Jasmuheen, a Bretharianist
and an astrology devotee, blamed Freire's lack of faith
on an accident of birth.
"Paulo can't entirely help himself, being a Scorpio,"
Jasmuheen said. "Scorpios are always very skeptical and
destined to feel pain throughout life as a result of their
closed­mindedness. If you try to introduce Paulo to
anything even remotely made­up, he starts going off about
'evidence this' and 'proof that.' If only the poor man were
open­minded enough to stop attacking everything with his
brain and just once look into his heart, he'd find all the
proof he needed. But, sadly, he's unable to let even a little
bit of imagination drive his core beliefs."
Perhaps the person who pities Freire most is Tom Cruise,
a member of the Church of Scientology.
"It's bad enough when someone has the ignorance to
reject Dianetics in spite of its tremendous popularity,"
Cruise said. "But Paulo isn't even willing to try a free
introductory course. Scientology has the potential to free
humanity from the crippling yoke of common sense,

unshackling billions from the chains of century after
century of scientific precedent, and yet he still won't give
it a try."
"I realize that Paulo seems very happy with his narrow
little common­sense­based worldview," Cruise continued,
"but when you think of all the widely embraced beliefs
that are excluded by that way of thinking, you have to feel
kind of sad."
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